Well today I had a good long talk with my parents... for once it didn't result in fighting... that's good. It was a nice change and I told them why the 4-day a week rule frustrated me so much... and they said they were more than willing to compromise some how... so I've got higher-than-average hopes for that... We talked a lot about Tyler and I too... about how they don't hate him... and now I'm finally convinced that they don't. At Caribou today my dad told me that he likes Tyler... he said "He's a good kid... as far as I know he's not into drinking or smoking or doing pot like the other kids, he's got a job, he's responsible, paid for his own car, gets good grades... but the thing about him that irritates your mother and I is this: It has nothing to do with the past "issues" we've had shall I say... it's that your mother and I feel like Tyler is too possesive of you... it's like he needs to own you and that is what concerns us." He said he knows that Tyler and I are crazy about eachother and that Ty loves me very much... he knows... he said that they just wish that Tyler would bring things down a notch and treat the relationship like we're 17 years old... he said who knows, Tyler might be the guy you end up marrying and you guys may never break up... and that is fabulous... it would just make things easier for everyone and more comfortable for us if you guys treated it like a high school relationship. And that's kind of that in a nutshell...

I also just spent a lot of time thinking today.

For one thing, I thought about how things have been with Ty and myself recently... and came to the conclusion that in general (except for last night) I didn't like them. It feels like... the time I actually spend with him is great - like it's always been. We have a fabulous time together doin' whatever it is we do... but then it seems that every night when I come home from either being with him, or whomever else, it all goes completely to hell. We both seem cold, irritated and snippy at one another, and I know exactly why.

It's the whole issue with my friends... well, our friends. During one of their many visits to my mom, Nic, Nick and Grieger shared a few of their fears with her... and they were then relayed back to yours truly. Apparently the boys were afraid that this summer would be a repeat of last and that they wouldn't see much of me... and when they did, at group things, I would only be with and talk to Tyler. Now I would think they could plainly see that things have changed a bit, and that certainly wouldn't happen... but I can't help what they think.

Ever since Tyler found out about that... things have pretty much been shit. He blamed it all on himself which is why I didn't even want to tell him about that in the first place... I knew he would and he shouldn't... but that is how Ty is... and now, when I spend time with friends I'll come home and he'll make a smartass comment about how they "never get to see me..." either that or he'll just get really, really quiet, and it just ends up irritating the piss out of me. And then I get bitchy and irritated and say things I don't mean and it's all just a big mess. I just can't do that anymore... and there's no way in hell I could put up with a whole summer of that - so I'm afraid... very, very scared.

Half of me thinks back to past experiences with this kind of thing (the whole friend issue) and wants to scream and yell... thinking back to when he went on my screen name, impersonated me and talked to Alex... and the times he's told my friends to "stay away from me," or "back the fuck off" and I just want to shake him and say, "TY! You have no business saying that to my friends. I know you only say it because you love me and are concerned about me... but Ty... I LOVE YOU, you know that... and I have no intention of ever giving you up... you should trust me on that... please baby just trust me!! You can't keep doing this... Ty my friends are my friends, and you can't control that. I love them as friends, and I love you more... but I am going to continue to see and hang out with them... I'm sorry but if you don't like it, but that's how it's going to be."

The other half of me wants to be far less bitchy and shake my head at him and smile and say... "Ty, we're making progress... we really are, I'm proud of us baby." That would definately be a true statement - we HAVE and ARE making progress in the one area of conflict between us... and I could not be happier about that... but the conflict is still there, as well as the history behind this conflict. I still just wish this would all go away, but I know that takes work... I've already put a lot into it, and I'll continue to do so until it's gone. I know he'll do the same as well. I just wish he'd trust me, and trust them... everyone knows that Ty and I are happy together and I seriously doubt that anyone is out to ruin that... I just...

I just wish Tyler had just a hint more of confidence in himself. He is my tender, fragile hearted babe... and a bit insecure about himself... I try my best to keep his heart from breaking or even cracking... and I fear sometimes I fail... but I'd like to think I'm always there with a bandaid or some super glue to make things better again. I love him, and it kills me to see him hurting... not to see he is hurting right now, but sometimes, when he gets quiet, I just can't tell...

You know what? All this time I thought the whole Tyler vs. Friends issue was about time spent with either one... but it's not. Not at all. I have all the time in the world to see everyone... I'm only 17 and I have my whole life ahead of me... and I've finally realized that that's what this is all about... LIFE. I love Ty and there is nothing I enjoy more than his company. There's nothing I'd rather do than spend time with him... but at the very same time, I still enjoy the time spent with friends. This isn't just about the guys either... this is all my friends. I think sometimes Ty gets confused that it's just about the guys, and about me and how I'd rather spend time with them than him... but that's not it. I know he wants me to have friends, and to spend time with them... because he wants me to be happy, and that is something that makes me that way.

I just think that maybe from time to time he forgets that... we all do. He's not being selfish... I don't see it that way at all - he loves me, and naturally wants to spend as much time with me as possible... and believe me... more than anyone I understand that... but sometimes I get worried too... because I know he rarely sees his friends... and that concerns me a lot. Friends are important in life and everyone knows it... I don't want Ty's to slip away. I've seen how happy he can get when he goofs around with the boys, or when him and Stephy reminisce about AP language, or even when he reunites with JoAnna after a long time without seeing her... I just wish he'd remember how much fun he has with them from time to time and maybe call them a bit more.... hehe and I know if I said that to him, he would respond with "Yeah, well they could call me too you know" or something to that affect... everyone is busy, including Ty... and that's why people lose touch... but I just think about how happy any of his friends would be to get a call from him sayin' "Let's go blow up bottle rockets" or whatever the hell boys do... and I wish he did that more... played paintball more, had more LAN parties... be the little kid Tyler I know is in there more... because I know all that makes him happy.

Haha... I've gotten way off track and am too lazy to go back and read this to see if things make sense... but you know what... it doesn't matter to me because this was just my chance to do a little thinking with my fingers.... a little thinking out loud. It's good for me to do that sometimes...