Alright so this is the first night of many where I have not had anything to rush to get done... I have down time, and one would think I'd enjoy using it how I please... so far I have started reading my favorite book again, and am currently listening to Pete's radio show. Both things normally would make me very happy... but not tonight. I'm stressin'.

Fuck college. Seriously. Fuck it. Know why? Because it's the one thing I'm ready for - the one thing I want to do more than anything else ever - and it was supposed to be easy, but naturally it wasn't. It was supposed to be a smooth ride. I'm done applying, I'm accepted, I'm enrolled. I know where I'm going, what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. All except for one thing. So I say fuck college for being two-faced. Fuck college for being able to come up with something to rain on my damn parade.

That one damn thing. That one mother fucking thing is lingering on my happy independent new life. I wish it were a problem that was easy to get rid of, but life is never that simple... because in reality, I don't even want to get rid of it. At least, I don't think I do. Aw hell who am I kidding? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing... and technically I don't need to reach a decision until August, but I can't not get this shit out of my mind. The pending question of doom: Will Ty and I stay together in college? The answer: HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW!?

It's like my brain is divided and it's really the brain of two separate people. For simplicity sake, I shall call them Side A and Side B. Now, these are the views of each side on that issue:

SIDE A: I love Tyler. A lot... and in thinking about it for a long length of time, I think he is someone with whom I could be with for a very long time. I'd love that, more than anything. I mean I can just picture everything now... perfection really. I know we'd be happy together, and besides, we already have one hell of a foundation. College would be great for us because we'd finally be free of parental restrictions. Although we would see less of eachother I'm sure because of the sheer work load I will have and the distance between us, it would be a whole new relm of dating, and I think it would be good for us. I can only imagine how happy I would be.

SIDE B: It's college. I'm not going to meet people if I'm tied down to Tyler all of the time, and neither will he. I want that for him. I want him to make life-long friends in these next four years, and if the majority of his time is spent with me, he won't. That makes me sad. I want him to get out and explore life. I know he says he never thinks about other girls, he could never date another girl, etc... but I'm not that way... and sometimes I feel guilty about it when I shouldn't. Pete was a big wake up call for me. He was the first person I'd met since being with, or liking, Tyler that I wanted to date. Nothing happened of course, because I love Tyler and don't think I am capable of actually cheating, but it would be a lie to say the thought didn't cross my mind. I feel so shitty for those feelings too - I feel like it's unfair, or even dishonorable of me to have those feelings when it's nothing but natural... Now who can say how many times that will happen in college? I think I'm going to want to date other people just for the sheer experience of life. I mean if Tyler and I stayed together through college, I'd be afraid that we'd reach that point and both go "I feel like I missed something along the way."

Bah. Problem is, I can't tell him any of this. I know I need to and some day I will suck it up enough to do so, but I brought up the fact that Katie and Abhrajeet weren't staying together in college casually in conversation last week, and he tweaked a nut. "Then what's the point of even staying together now?!" was his reply. It's really frustrating that he can't look at this from a mature perspective, and maybe open up his mind that there's more to life than me. Sometimes I feel like he's missing it, and those are the times when I get sad and down... but if I ever tried to explain that to him, all we would do would be dance around in circles. He would say what he always says, "there is no other girl for me," and we would dance around how he claims he could never date another person, and my desire for him to live a little... and he wouldn't listen to what I was telling him and interpret my thoughts as my not wanting to be with him... as me not loving him. Just thinking about it makes my head hurt like a mother fucker.

Seriously, why does he have to be so close-minded? It makes my job a hell of a lot more difficult. There are only two things I would change in him if I could... his confidence level, and his ability to hold a mature conversation/listen to what I'm really saying. Other than that, he's good.

And the thing that's really frying my grits is that I want to stay connected throughout college with Tyler no matter what. He is my best friend. I want to be able to hang out with him, to call him in the middle of the night, to go get Taco Bell, to go to plays, to do everything! But realistically that just won't happen if we break up... which is quite the downer. I want Tyler the best friend to be what I have in college, not the boyfriend. I want him to kiss another girl. (I know, I'm insane, I'm crazy, I'm abnormal.) Hell - I want him to sleep with another girl if he wants to!! That's just the thing - I want him to do WHAT HE WANTS TO. I want him to be a free bird... but he's got tunnel vision, and I don't feel like that will ever change.

I guess what it comes down to is that I'm scared of missing out... of both of us missing out. I want to be SpongeTaylor CrazyPants and soak up all I can from these next four years... and I want Tyler to do that to... so badly.